Monday, December 21, 2009

For the love of God, please stop!

After a recent entry on sequels I'd like to see, I realized that there are probably just as many sequels I don't want to see. So, in typical year-end fashion, I've complied another list.

10. Animated Sequels. Disney and Pixar can make as many animated movies as they want, but please, stop after first one. Did we really need 3 Ice Age movies?
9. Meet the Parents. I really liked the original movie a long, long time ago. It was funny and sweet and proved that a PG-13 rated comedy could actually be funny. But then the filmmakers crapped out Meet the Fockers and I didn't crack a smile once. Well, OK, the part where Dustin Hoffman lays down in front of the RV had me laughing, but the baby learning sign language did not! And since Little Fockers has been announced, I am ready to not laugh once again.
8. Resident Evil. I'm still pissed that one of the best video games ever made, and one that could have been an amazing film adaptation, was fumbled by hackmaster Paul WS Anderson (Aliens vs. Predator). Very little of what made the games such a creepy (and fun) experience was brought to the screen. And for some reason, 3 sequels were made to the original movie, each diverting further and further from the video game. It was at one time rumored that Anderson was going to direct the forthcoming Castlevania movie, but thankfully, he left the project.
7. Harry Potter. I know, they are based on the books (can't remember how many there actually are), but when is it going to end for good? Maybe I will sit down and watch them all one long weekend, but until then, I'll just laugh when I think about the "Harry Twatter" joke from 40 Year-Old Virgin.
6. Fast and the Furious. This franchise has always been geared toward the texting-while-driving crowd and maybe that explains why the scripts to these movies felt like they were typed on someone's cell phone. What could have been a fun dumb movie was just dumb, and then they churned out 3 sequels, each with varying cast members returning but the end result always being the same -- a movie that made you feel like you were stuck in traffic.
5. Ocean's [insert number here]. The first one was fun but overhyped, the second one completely sucked, and I couldn't finish the third one out of boredom, even while being trapped on an airplane. The thrill of seeing all those big actors on the screen together wore thin half way through Ocean's Eleven.
4. Saw. I'll just say this. Whoever walked out of Saw 5 and said to their friend, "I can't wait for Saw 6" should be kidnapped and put into one of those torture devices from the movies. If ever there is a film franchise that represents the downfall of America, it's the Saw movies. Oh and any film franchise that has a movie come out a year apart - instant suckage.
3. Shrek. If ever there was a movie that was old after its first entry, it's Shrek. I mean, I get it, Eddie Murphy is a talking donkey. Hil-arious. Whereas Michael Myers was once one of my favorite comedic actors, now I just wonder what the hell he is thinking half the time and The Love Guru proves my point. At least he had the good sense to do a cameo for Inglourious Basterds.
2. Pirates of the Caribbean. Ah, 2003. Everyone and their mother was in love with Johnny Depp after seeing this movie. Except me. I thought it was good enough, but didn't understand in insane hype-machine surrounding it. The second one, I felt, was the best of them all, despite it being really long and confusing at times, and the third one just seemed to throw everything at the wall in hopes a few story lines would stick. Rumor is that a fourth movie is in the works. Let's hope that it never sees the light of day.
1. Transformers. OK, the first one was a big dumb movie with cool enough special effects and Megan Fox to keep you from noticing that the plot was completely insane. Plus, for someone like me, it was a way to relive your childhood a bit, since I grew up watching, and playing with, Transformers. But the limited goodwill of the first movie was completely railroaded by the idiotic and bloated sequel. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen proved that special effects aren't very special without a good story line to tie them together, and at over two and a half hours long, the movie felt like it would never, ever, end. Not only do I hope that they never make another Transformers movie (fat chance) it was so bad I hope that Michael Bay never makes another movie (another fat chance).

Monday, December 14, 2009

Top 10 Shows of 2000's

10. The Office, NBC. The Office is one of those shows that I just want to watch each week. Some shows are a chore, but with this, I know that I am going to either: A) Laugh or B) Be made to feel uncomfortable a couple of times during each episode. Yes, some of the episodes feel flat or are too crazy for my liking, but on the whole, The Office is one of the most consistent shows on TV as far as entertainment value is concerned. I might be labeled a blaspheme for saying this, but it's waaaaaaay better than the British version too.
9. How I Met Your Mother, CBS. Remember when NBC was busy racing around trying to find the next Friends? Remember Coupling? Well, if ever there is a show that is the next Friends, it's How I Met Your Mother. What makes HIMYM so great is its total lack of regard for the standard sitcom formula. Sure, there is a laugh track, but HIMYM is actually funny minute to minute. The jokes aren't rationed out per episode and telegraphed from a mile away like most sitcoms. Also, the plot is actually linear throughout the show's history, instead of being self-contained in each episode. And Neil Patrick Harris as Barney? Legend...wait for it...ary.
8. Big Love, HBO. Aside from too much "Paxton ass" in its first season, Big Love is a drama that would feel at home on any of the major networks. There is not much language, little violence and the family, while polygamists, are a good portrait of a troubled, but loving, modern American family. And that is essentially what Big Love is, a family drama. HBO has a way of raising your expectations for shows, and for good reason, but with Big Love, its important to appreciate it for what it is, not what it isn't.
7. Alias, ABC. JJ Abrams left a big mark on TV in the 2000's, and while Felicity was the show where he found his footing, Alias was the show where it all took off. At its core, Alias was Felicity with spies and it also foreshadowed the kind of mystery that Abrams and Co. would later employ in Lost. Like 24, Alias trailed off quickly after its first 3 seasons, but those first 3 seasons...wow.
6. 24, FOX. If ever there was a show living off its previous glory, it's 24. What has become a tired show, recycling previous plots and characters several times over, 24 was once one of the most gripping shows on TV. It still has its moments, but for me, the first 3 seasons of 24 will go down as some of the best in TV history. And given its now-mediocre existence, Keifer Sutherland's Jack Bauer is still reason enough to tune in each week.
5. The Shield, FX. The Shield proved that cable could do TV just as good, and as racy as HBO. Despite its somewhat tedious first 2 seasons, The Shield grew into a show where every action had a reaction, as Michael Chiklis' corrupt cop, Vic Mackey, dealt with the consequences of something he did in the show's pilot -- all the way to the series finale. Whereas most TV shows have plots which are self-contained within a single episode or season, The Shield carried out one linear plot for its entire run.
4. Rome, HBO. Rome lived a short life on HBO. What was originally to be a mini-series became a 2-season show, which is now rumored to be continued again as a theatrical movie. We can only hope to see Kevin McKidd and Ray Stevenson on screen together again as the troubled widower Lucius Vorenus and the violent but loyal Titus Pullo.
3. Friday Night Lights, NBC. Shows based on movies rarely ever work. Anyone remember the TV show version Ferris Bueller's Day Off? I do. FNL is true to the film in that it tells raw stories about people who happen to be related to the town's high-school football team in one way or another, but that's it. There are no other comparisons to be made. FNL works because its largely improvised, which elicits realistic performances from its actors, and the writing is not content to spin generic TV drama yarns about characters getting pregnant or coming back from the dead. It's about real people. Good people. FNL doesn't need villains.
2. Lost, ABC. It's really unfair to Lost that The Wire existed in the same decade, because put simply, Lost is the greatest network show ever created. It transformed the serial and then turned it on its ear. Has a show ever been as rich in detail as this? I mean, Lost has its own wiki-page -- and it's about as vast as Wikipedia! At times the show can be frustrating, but as we've recently seen, it does intend to answer most of the questions it has asked over the course of its run.
1. The Wire, HBO. What else can I say about a show that has been hailed as the best TV show ever?

Contenders: Big Brother, The Contender, Damages, Gossip Girl, Tell Me You Love Me, True Blood.

Note: Shows such as The Sopranos, which started in the 90's didn't qualify.

Top 10 Movies of 2000's

10. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003). Peter Wier authentically takes us back to the early 1800's in a film that balances swashbuckling action with fascinating takes on sciences and philosophy. Russell Crowe and Paul Bettany are excellent foils, and surprisingly, the fireworks come more from their clashes on war and science than the action itself.
9. Lord of the Rings: The Followship of the Ring (2001). The odyssey begins in an epic fashion. We're introduced to the characters we'll follow for the next 2 movies, and thankfully, FOTR does more than just set-up those next 2 films, like most introductory movies in a trilogy tend to do. Put simply, FOTR made the year-long wait between LOTR movies almost unbearable. That's how good it was.
8. Black Hawk Down (2001). Ridley Scott turned in the most accurate portrayal of modern war in this adaptation of the book, based on the 1993 incident in Mogadishu, Somalia. At times its exhausting, and confusing, since most of the cast looks similar in their buzzcuts and fatigues, but it all lends itself to the cluster-fuck that is modern warfare.
7. Brokeback Mountain (2005). Yeah, I did it. I've included "that gay cowboy movie" on this list. You know why? It deserves to be here. At times it's shocking, especially for heterosexual males, but before long, it becomes a tragic love story. It could really be about any couple, gay or straight, and that's credit to director Ang Lee, who doesn't hover on the gay subject matter. Instead, he makes the film more about forbidden love and loss. It also doesn't hurt to watch as Heath Ledger transforms from teen heartthrob to brilliant character actor right before our eyes.
6. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000). Director Ang Lee showed stubborn American audiences what they were missing by ignoring foreign-made movies. CT,HD contains some of the most beautifully filmed and choreographed action scenes of all time.
5. Gladiator (2000). Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe relaunched the epic sword-and-sandal genre with much success. The fact that scenes from Gladiator are played at football stadiums across America is proof that the movie struck a chord, especially with men. The underdog Maximus is one of the most iconic characters of the decade, and Jaoquin Phoenix's douche bag villain, Commodus, is a worthy foil to Crowe's tragic hero.
4. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007). Brad Pitt turns in his most impressive acting job to date, and Casey Affleck proves he's the Affleck sibling with all the talent in director Andrew Dominik's epic bio-pic about the outlaw Jesse James. Dominik's straight-forward directing style gives the film and its characters a timeless feel, and the dialog, also written by Dominik, is flawless and authentic.
3. There Will Be Blood (2007). Paul Thomas Anderson's complex character study of selfish oil tycoon Daniel Plainview elicited the best performace of the 2000's (Daniel Day-Lewis). The soundtrack, by Radiohead guitarist Jonny Greenwood, is the film's other equally as impressive highlight.
2. Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (2004). Kill Bill, much LOTR is one big movie. However, Quentin Tarantino wisely decided to split the film in two, right when the tone shifted from epic Kung-Fu flick to Spaghetti Western. The second half of the film is slower-paced than the first, and somewhat anti-climactic, but the first-half is action packed and features one of the best action sequences ever captured on film (House of Blue Leaves). I didn't think QT had it in him to do action like this. I was wrong.
1. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003). Peter Jackson's trilogy reaches its high-point in the epic finale. The Oscars waited for this film to be released to bestow it with Best Picture, and deservedly so. The trilogy was made all at once and are essentially different chapters in the same movie. In an era of bloated special effect-laden films, Jackson remembered that humanity is more important than "wow", and it's the biggest reason why ROTK is the best film of the decade.

Contenders: The Departed, Inglourious Basterds, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Memento, No Country for Old Men, Zodiac.

Top 10 Albums of 2000's

10. Stars, Set Yourself on Fire. Sometimes Stars can be too "cute". But on this album, they resist the urge to be too cutesy and offer up some great though-provoking songs, such as the excellent album opener, "Your Ex-Lover is Dead". The album was eventually covered by several Canadian indie-artists on Do You Trust Your Friends?, thus sealing its legacy as one of the decade's best albums. And after hearing some of the odd interpretations of songs from the album, it makes you appreciate the original album even more.
9. Pete Yorn, Musicforthemorningafter. In a decade that produced dozens of "singer songwriter" douchebags (John Mayer, Jason Mraz), Yorn set himself apart by writing vague lyrics that demanded repeat listens as opposed to the "I got it the first time" songs written by the aforementioned asshats.
8. Radiohead, Kid A. Looking around a lot of "best of 2000's lists", I am finding that Kid A is often ranked at #1. I can see why. Radiohead transformed themselves on this album, after they had transformed themselves on 1997's OK Computer (the best album of that decade), and still managed to sell a shitload of albums while doing it. Kid A not only challenged listeners, it baffled them, which is why I often put Kid A back on the shelf and listened to Computer or The Bends instead. But after years of wearing me down, Kid A has won me over. Songs like "The National Anthem", "How to Disappear Completely", "Optimistic", and "Motion Picture Soundtrack" are some of the best songs the band has ever written. You just won't hear me rave about "Treefingers".
7. Ours, Distorted Lullabies. Ours' frontman, Jimmy Gnecco, has repeatedly been compared to the late Jeff Buckley, and it's as apt a comparison as it is tiresome. Look up any article on the band and you're bound to see the comparison made in the first paragraph. But once you get past the haunting similarities in both singers' voices, you'll find that Ours is more of a Cure-meets-U2-meets-Radiohead blend of melancholy lyrics that somehow uplift instead of depress.
6. Neko Case, Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. Case doesn't sing songs, she tells stories, and there is no better example of this than the album's first two tracks, "Margaret vs Pauline" and what is perhaps the best song of the decade, "Star Witness". Case's voice is haunting, and so are her lyrics.
5. Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary. Dan Boeckner and Spencer Krug hand the mic off to one another on the band's debut, but eerily their voices and lyrics start to blend together over the course of the album as they sing about cities, whales, wedding cakes, fathers, sons and ghosts. It might just be the most challenging album of the 2000's to get into (it took me a couple of years to break through and appreciate the album), but it's also perhaps the decade's most rewarding.
4. Radiohead, In Rainbows. Radiohead returned to glory with this 2007 album, which they released on their own, on a "pay what you want" format. In Rainbows is also a return to an easier Radiohead sound, hearkening back to earlier albums such as The Bends or OK Computer. Whereas Kid A challenges the listener's patience at times, In Rainbows does nothing but satisfy.
3. The Strokes, Is This It. The Strokes brought in the aughts with a much hyped debut album that resurrected post-punk-garage-rock with some pop thrown in for good measure. It was such a good album, that it inspired dozens of bands to adopt similar band names (The Shins, The Stills, The Sounds, etc...) and even rip off some of The Strokes' now-identifiable sound. Is This It is probably the album that best captured the sound of indie rock the 00's.
2. The Walkmen, You & Me. I was torn on this one, but ironically, I was always going to choose from two different Walkmen albums, the other being 2004's Bows + Arrows. Whereas that album has about 5 of the best songs the band has ever recorded on it, it also suffers from some lazy throwaway tracks. That's not the case on You & Me. Every song is a masterpiece, from "Donde Esta La Playa" to the album closer, "If Only it Were True".
1. Arcade Fire, Funeral. This album still gives me goosebumps, right from the first note of "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels). Arcade Fire runs the gamut of emotions from loss (hence the album name), sadness, nostalgia, love, and finally, optimism. In a decade of great albums, Funeral is the one I go back to the most, and I'm blown away each time I revisit it.

Contenders: The National, Boxer; Arcade Fire, Neon Bible; Camera Obscura, My Maudlin Career; Bloc Party, Silent Alarm; Radiohead, Hail to the Thief.